satire

BREAKING: Cows Trample Ocasio-Cortez After She Trespassed On Farm To Stop Them From Farting

It’s no secret that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has said some really off things since she was put into her position. But, this Green New Deal seems to have taken spotlight in recents months. It turns out after much criticism, Ocasio-Cortez took to the road to visit a cow farm, and speak to the cows and farmers about the issue at hand.

After a long drive through the countryside, Ocasio-Cortez ended up on a large Farm with more than 800 head of cattle. She was so ashamed at what she saw there, she knew right away she had to take action, but how. First she went to talk with the farmer, that didn’t go as well as she’d been hoping it would. The man simply laughed at her and refused to take her seriously, but welcomed her to talk about how the cattle and dairy industry helps America’s Agriculture.

Frustrated with her lack of progress with the farmer, Ocasio-Cortes decided to go straight to the source of the problem, you guessed it, the cow themselves. She walked around many of them, and noticed how much they farted and was astonished at such vulgar things. She became so concerned with the atmosphere around her that she requested an Oxygen mask to ensure she wasn’t breathing in the vial fart fumes.

It wasn’t long after that Ocasio-Cortez attempted to use butt plugs on the poor cows, they each ran from her in terror, trying to get this woman away from their backsides. She pleaded with the cows to just let her block off the gas port in order to save out environment. But alas, she was unsuccessful in that attempt at a resolution.

Photo Credit: FlagandCross.com

Some of the Cows even got irritated with her aggressive advances and attacked her. At this point the Farmer had come out to see what all the fuss was about.

He quickly realized Ocasio-Cortex and her efforts were not working. He stood by and watched as she tried speaking to the cows, but they just kept mooing and running away from her. As she got frustrated, she approached the Farmer to tell him this is a serious problem, and that the plugs were not working, but she had another grand idea.

Ocasio-Cortez then suggested the Farmer use diapers on his cows, ones with built in fart filters, yes, that was indeed the answer to this growing problem. If we couldn’t stop them from farting, we could filter them through a specialized diaper. It was genius, or so she thought. But the Farmer quickly used his whit to talk her out of it, seeing as all the waste she would be creating with such a plan.

So finally it hit her, ‘A FART CAPTURING BACKPACK’ That’s right, a backpack the cows wear, that capture all of there farts! It was the best idea ever! The Farmer simply shook his head, and Ocasio-Cortex left to make her dream a reality. Now, in the works, are these amazingly awkward backpacks they strap to a cows back, and they capture the fart air.

Photo Credit: Reuters

Maybe one day her dream will become a reality, but for now Farmers are scratching their heads, and some sad cows somewhere are forced to wear their farts on their backs. The cows are angry, and they may riot, but hey, we’ll have fart free air, or will we. Guess we should all wear fart backpacks too. Hmmmm…

*This is a Satire Article published on April 1st. You fools.